What can I say?
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Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
A Saturday Meme
1. Curse the person who tagged you.
2. Grab the nearest book.
3. Open it to page 123.
4. Find the fifth sentence.
5. Post the next three sentences.
6. Tag five people.
Here Goes:
1. I curse you (with hugs and love) Ms. Violet!.
2. It's Saturday morning, and I'm all comfy in my arm chair. The nearest book is something my husband is reading "The Speed of Trust" by Stephen M.R. Covey.
3. Page 123.
4. 5th sentence found.
5. "A first Stephen grumbled."
(What an utter let down. I was so hoping th find something deeply philosophical, moving, or thought provoking. Alas ... not today)
6. Tag anyone? I have absolutely no idea who even reads here anymore. So anyone who wants to play along - please do so.
2. Grab the nearest book.
3. Open it to page 123.
4. Find the fifth sentence.
5. Post the next three sentences.
6. Tag five people.
Here Goes:
1. I curse you (with hugs and love) Ms. Violet!.
2. It's Saturday morning, and I'm all comfy in my arm chair. The nearest book is something my husband is reading "The Speed of Trust" by Stephen M.R. Covey.
3. Page 123.
4. 5th sentence found.
5. "A first Stephen grumbled."
(What an utter let down. I was so hoping th find something deeply philosophical, moving, or thought provoking. Alas ... not today)
6. Tag anyone? I have absolutely no idea who even reads here anymore. So anyone who wants to play along - please do so.
Friday, February 15, 2008
How to give a cat or dog a pill
A friend of mine sent me this fine Friday chuckle, and I had to share it. If you’ve ever owned a cat or dog you’ll probably understand this loud and clear.
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call souse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call souse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
They should call them Regressive lenses
I started my usual evening shut down rituals - logging off computers, switching phone to night answer, check in / out board for staff, closing doors, turning off lights .... and I went home for the evening.
I got home and found that I'd locked one of my poor cats in the bathroom for the afternoon. Both of our cats drink out of the bathroom sink - long story. An our young kitten Pirate likes to terrorize our older cat Digit - particularly when she's drinking water from the sink. So, with the best of intentions I thought I would give Digit a little extra peace and quiet and shut her into the bathroom for a few minutes before I went back to work after lunch.
Needless to say, Pirate was quite anxious and talkative when I got home at 4:45 tonight. He kept pacing and trying to lead me to the bathroom. Finally when I clued in, I realized that I had left Digit in the bathroom for the entire afternoon. She was most perturbed, and left me with some extra special gifts.
I cleaned up the 'gift' and gave her much reassurance of my stupidity, apologies, and treats. Then I settled down in the living room to re-group before figuring out what to make for dinner. I turned on the television and was immediately surprised to find the TV scheduling was a little off. Off by an hour actually.
On closer examination of the time ..... the red digital read out was telling me it was 4:10pm, the clock on our fireplace mantle was telling me it was 4:10pm.
OH MY GOODNESS!! I HAD COME HOME EARLY BY AN ENTIRE HOUR, AND I SWEAR I DOUBLE CHECKED ALL THE CLOCKS AT THE OFFICE!!!!
This is when I'm terribly thankful that I live a mere 100 feet from front door to office door, and I scooted my butt back to work to finish up my day.
I'm blaming it on the new glasses. This is day two and I've obviously got a lot of adjusting to do. I wonder why they call them Progressive lenses anyway? Possibly because you move progressively towards early senility.
I got home and found that I'd locked one of my poor cats in the bathroom for the afternoon. Both of our cats drink out of the bathroom sink - long story. An our young kitten Pirate likes to terrorize our older cat Digit - particularly when she's drinking water from the sink. So, with the best of intentions I thought I would give Digit a little extra peace and quiet and shut her into the bathroom for a few minutes before I went back to work after lunch.
Needless to say, Pirate was quite anxious and talkative when I got home at 4:45 tonight. He kept pacing and trying to lead me to the bathroom. Finally when I clued in, I realized that I had left Digit in the bathroom for the entire afternoon. She was most perturbed, and left me with some extra special gifts.
I cleaned up the 'gift' and gave her much reassurance of my stupidity, apologies, and treats. Then I settled down in the living room to re-group before figuring out what to make for dinner. I turned on the television and was immediately surprised to find the TV scheduling was a little off. Off by an hour actually.
On closer examination of the time ..... the red digital read out was telling me it was 4:10pm, the clock on our fireplace mantle was telling me it was 4:10pm.
OH MY GOODNESS!! I HAD COME HOME EARLY BY AN ENTIRE HOUR, AND I SWEAR I DOUBLE CHECKED ALL THE CLOCKS AT THE OFFICE!!!!
This is when I'm terribly thankful that I live a mere 100 feet from front door to office door, and I scooted my butt back to work to finish up my day.
I'm blaming it on the new glasses. This is day two and I've obviously got a lot of adjusting to do. I wonder why they call them Progressive lenses anyway? Possibly because you move progressively towards early senility.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I'm talkin' about underwear - deal with it!
What's the deal with women's underwear? Who designs this stuff? What's the difference between a G-string and a thong, and why would you wear either one? Who deemed these comfortable? And what is their purpose in life?
These are the questions that are burning away in my brain today. Why ... you may ask? We ... I decided to pimp-up my underwear drawer. Chose new undies that would be more husband-friendly and less tarps-across-America. In essence, something a little more lacey and less cottonelle.
According to Wikipedia underwear were basically invented by men, more than probably only worn by men, and mostly for wrestling (in early Rome and Greece anyway). Women were slower to be allowed to wear such a thing as 'under garments' until the 17th century. But I digress.
I'm given to understand that today we wear underwear for 'protection' and 'cleanliness', and this brings me back to my beginning questions. What kind of 'protection' are you getting from a g-string? How clean can a g-string, or a thong keep your cloths? Can somebody please explain this all to me.
I say "Go Comando or go home!" Easy words to say when I can't even sleep in the nude.
And while I'm at it ..... regarding those panties that ARE bigger than an I-pod Nano, who decided where the 'gusset' should be? They never seem to line up with anything important. Am I missing something here?
Please - ladies - give me your feed back. I'm dieing to know that I'm not the only women out there with these questions on my mind.
Men - if you've actually read this far ..... what do you have to say about this?
P.S. I know the cartoon has nothing to do with the subject matter, but I thought it was mildly amusing given my impassioned entry.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
No turning back now
Life as I know it is soon to be over.
I went for my once-every-two-years eye exam today. The good news is I still have eyes. The bad news is I've made the leap off the aging slide and I now need "progressive power lenses", "graduated lenses", "varifocal lenses", or more commonly known as "tri-focals". I always thought this option was for the elderly, not the recently young no where near elderly folks.
Thats it. My days are numbered. The next step can only mean a walker, or worse yet - the motorized chair.
On the upside - shopping for glasses can be .... fun and funky!!
I'll post a picture when I get them.
I went for my once-every-two-years eye exam today. The good news is I still have eyes. The bad news is I've made the leap off the aging slide and I now need "progressive power lenses", "graduated lenses", "varifocal lenses", or more commonly known as "tri-focals". I always thought this option was for the elderly, not the recently young no where near elderly folks.
Thats it. My days are numbered. The next step can only mean a walker, or worse yet - the motorized chair.
On the upside - shopping for glasses can be .... fun and funky!!
I'll post a picture when I get them.
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