Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Calm After the Storm

I had a horrible nightmare last night. I’m not going to candy coat it, or lead slowing into it – it was a horrible dream.

So much so that I woke up from it and began to cry. I’m not even sure where the emotion was coming from. Which only got further complicated when I began lamenting the fact that my husband was not there to hold me during my torrent of emotion.

The dream started out simple enough, but quickly escalated to a screaming match. I didn’t know the majority of the people in my dream, and I won’t go into what all went on, but what I do remember was the extreme amount of anger that I was feeling. Hence the crying once I woke up. At one point in the dream I was screaming so hard and venomously (major expletives emitted) that the pitch of my voice was high enough that only dog’s could hear – at which point my voice completely cut out.

Everyone one around me was taunting me, and trying to provoke me to physical anger, but I fought it – the desire to hit someone. Eventually the police were called in for a “domestic dispute”.

I was trying to calm down and catch my breath, and try to explain what was going on. Everything that came out of my mouth made me sound crazier and crazier. I began to feel more and more hopeless.

At several points I remember saying to myself “This is so High School”. I suppose it was in reference to the reasoning behind my initial upset, but I kept repeating, “This is so high school. This is just SO high school.”

But people wouldn’t leave me alone. On one hand they were afraid to be in the room with me, but on the other hand they were afraid to leave me in a room by myself. Personally, I would have preferred to have been left by myself, but I had momentary thoughts of committing suicide just to make the anger go away.

That’s when I woke up, and began to cry. I couldn’t shake the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. It really rattled my morning. I’m actually kinda happy the hubby wasn’t here. I’m not sure how I would have explained it all to him. I’m not even sure I want to explain it to myself.

I realize this is the second or so time that I’ve written about my dreams, and they’ve both been weird and twisted. I assure you this is not the norm. I love dreaming, and generally find them most entertaining. Just not lately it seems.

I will sleep better tonight. I will resort to drugs to make it so ☺

3 comments:

Becky said...

Wow. Oh, dreams, you crazy clearinghouse of emotions and thoughts. Don't let it rattle you too much, maybe just consider the dream a needed release of toxic energy! So diagnoseth the shrink's daughter! Hugs to you.

Good Timing said...

Yikes, that is a scary one. I have had quite the few scary ones too. Thankfully not lately.

LJ Ducharme said...

Thanks kids - Last night I dreamed about having a pet turtle that some little kid couldn't keep out of its mouth. Weird!