Tuesday, June 12, 2007

One step forward, two steps back

I feel like life is “one step forward, two steps back” these days. And that pretty much goes for all aspects of my (and hubby’s) life. But I’m not complaining. Things could be far worse. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.

First off – Daisy – She seems to be settling in. Very slowly. It’s been a week tonight, and she’s much better now that a week ago. She’s letting us pet her, and she even began to purr for us on the weekend. I think this is a huge stride. However, she drinks inordinate amounts of water, and urinates it out just as fast. For the most part she’s been very good with the litter box. That is, until this morning. I found a circular wet spot on the bed approximately two feet in diameter. Twenty-four inches. I don’t even think I can pee that much water!

I think she was a little miffed at us because we closed the door on her room last night. I did it for her, because our other cat Digit just won’t let Daisy alone, and I wanted to give Daisy a break. The really weird thing about the pee spot is that is has NO smell, absolutely not one whiff of odor. Which only makes me think that her kidneys aren’t filtering.

She is, however, getting some meat on her bones. This I do find encouraging.

On other fronts – I was off to see my Psychologist yesterday. I’ve been seeing her since February now, and although it’s more like “one step forward, another step forward, 1/2 a step back”, it is slow and steady progress. She knows how to ask difficult questions, and she knows how to make me think about things. I only wish that there was a simple “be healed” pill that I could take (Who wouldn’t). After 20 years of walking with the Lord, I have yet to truly grasp “freedom in Christ”. It is such a difficult concept for me. I seem hell-bent (excuse the pun) on holding on tight to issues that are basically harmful to my well being. I’m afraid to let go and let God. I’m afraid that He won’t step into the negative hole that a bad issue will leave behind if I let go. How silly is that!? But, oh so hard to do.

My homework over the next two weeks (without pressure) is to ask myself “What am I ‘willing’ to give up?” Seems like a simple enough task, but old, deeply imbedded wounds feel more comfortable than the unknown. This is where I really need God to meet me.

All these things are tied into my whacked out sleeping patterns. For weeks I couldn’t sleep fitfully through a night, and now all I want to do is sleep, and am constantly tired. I go to bed at a reasonable hour, read for just a few minutes, and then turn comatose for the night. While in those deep REM hours I have the wildest dreams. For four nights in a row I dreamt about large family reunions, surrounded by lots and lots of people. The so-called ‘family’ were easily named off, but were not the actually people in my waking life. What’s the deal with that?

For the most part, all I wanted to do during those dreams is find a quiet corner and have 5 minutes to myself. But someone would always find me.

Busy, busy, exhausting dreams – that’s my night life these days.

I’m not wanting to come off as a complainer. I realize there is so much more out there. Bigger hardships. I need only to read Pilot Mom’s entries to know that I’ve got absolutely nothing to complain about. Please pray for her and her husband Pilot Dad. They’ve got a lot on their plate right now. Drop her a note of encouragement if you can and are willing.

So – take a moment today (as I will too) and stop and smell the flowers, or watch a laughing child. There is much good in the world. There is much glory to be given to God - for He is worthy of our praise and devotion. Amen


Ricky said...

Smelling Flowers.. I should definitly do that sometime. :-)

Pilot Mom said...

(((LJ))) You are the sweetest!

It sounds like you are depressed with all the extra sleeping. That was what I was doing but I adjusted my medication up and that has helped tons. Thank the Lord!

Maybe one question you could ask yourself is, "When has God NOT been faithful?" Ponder on that and hopefully come to understand that He only wants the best for you. Oh how I wish I could just make you trust Him, LJ! Know that I will be praying for you in this area. Blessing to you dear Friend.

linds said...

I am glad to see that your counselling is going well. :) It will really help you in the long run. Your homework assignment is hard, I would have a difficult time answering that as well. I am happy that Daisy is coming around!!