The First 50 Are Hard

Elizabeth asked me an interesting question, but one that leaves me asking more questions. Here is what she’s asked:

“Do you think marriage is easier for someone of my generation or yours or is it all still the same?”

I find this an interesting question because I think Elizabeth is making assumptions about me (no offence given or taken) about my age & married life. And as I take a gander at her blog – I too have to make some assumptions on those same themes about her.

Elizabeth – you look like a woman in your early 30’s (please forgive me if I’m way off the mark), and based on the pictures of you and your husband I would also gather you’ve been married for roughly 10 years, give or take.

I – on the other hand, will be 48 next month (but don’t feel anywhere near that), and have only been married for 7.5 years. My husband is 2 years younger than me, and we are both late bloomers in the marriage market.

So, this is where I’m at with the initial question: Is the question – is marriage easier or harder in your 40’s moving to towards 50’s (ewww blech, don’t like the sound of that fufufuffifty…. part) vs. marriage in ones 20’s & 30’s?

Or – is marriage easier in the first 10 years, or after the first 10 years.

My gut reaction is in the form of a question: Is marriage EVER easy? I always get a kick out of people who have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, or greater and they all same the same thing – the first 50 were hard; the next 50 will be easier. My own parents lived long enough to see their 54th and didn’t hit stride until their 50th. Which, if you do the math – that makes only the last 4 sliding on easy street (and dementia did not play a part in it).

As someone who ended up waiting until she was 39 to find someone to love and marry, I spent over 20 adult years living on my own, and by my own rules. I didn’t even have roommates for the vast majority of those years. So, our 1st year of marriage was a difficult adjustment. I seriously learned the word “compromise”, and didn’t like it much. In fact I think we can both admit that the first years was the hardest, and I never want to work that hard at anything again. But I was then, and still am 100% committed to making it all work.

Of course there are things I would like to change. I suspect there always will be. Marriage changes you, it has too, it can’t not. For good or bad, it’s just the way these things unpack.

Is marriage easier in your 40’s? You’ve got to have come to know yourself by the time you reach your 40’s. If you don’t then you’ve been living under a rock, which is a whole different story.

Would I have preferred to have been married in my 20’s? Sure, but then I wouldn’t be the person I am now. The person that my husband fell in love with at 39 is not the same person he would have met twenty years previous. In fact, we’ve often joked that we probably wouldn’t have given each other second glances when we were in our twenties (or thirties for that matter).

Marriages are complex, hard, fun, exhilarating, infuriating, ever evolving, and one of the most joyful thing you ever do in your life. Does this answer your question Elizabeth?