Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Not in a Good Place

I deleted yesterdays post. I've never done that before, but the post was written from an over-tired, over-heated, over-bitchy place. Not a good place.

Everything and everyone is just plain bugging me these days. Please pray for my husband, he's getting the brunt of it. Poor man.

I can't really figure out whats going on with me. Although I have a sneaky suspicion it has something to do with weaning myself off my anti-depressants AND menopause (or pre-menopause). A cocktail mix that is not recommended.

I tried to talk to my hubby about it last night, but somehow the whole conversation turned and revolved around him. And he NEVER tells me whats going on in his world, so I let him talk. However, this left me feeling somewhat unfinished and unresolved.

I wanted to tell him that I'd had an anxiety attack yesterday. I'm planning on going over to visit his sister on the mainland next week for two days, and I suddenly felt extremely anxious about going and leaving him. Furthermore, upon realizing that is was an anxiety attack - that I'd had one a couple of weeks ago, but didn't recognize it at the time.

I'm not prone to having them, so they are beginning to scare me a little. Which sounds kind of weird that you would get scared for being anxious ... isn't that just compounding the issue? All that to say that I don't know where all this is coming from. There are simply too many factors at play here. Is it withdrawals from my anti-depressants? Is it the beginnings of menopause? Is it the heat? Is it lack of rest? So many factors.

The bottom line is that I don't like me much these days, and I don't like the edgy feelings I'm living with. What do I do with them, and how do I stop hurting the people I love?

Can anyone relate?


Carolyn said...

Dear friend,
I very often have anxiety attacks. You have my deepest sympathy. I get the irritation too. I've always thought that I turn my fear to anger because it's easier to allow yourself to be angry than scared. I'm assuming that you're working with your doctor as you wean yourself off your anti-depressants. If him/her! I began weaning myself off of mine last May/June. Yes, I was crabbier than I was in April. Yes it was a trying time for my loved ones. But after a month or so, I realized that it's NORMAL to get irritated at life sometimes. The anti-depressants kept me on such an even keel, that when I first began lowering the dose, I felt like I had PMS constantly. Things have kind of settled now. I still get anxiety, but I just deal with that as it comes. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Carolyn said it best. You might also want to consider Chinese herbs. Worked wonders for my sister.